ain’t no spartan martyr wife

let’s don’t even play. I am a freaking mess today. I held it together really good until about 530 when I burst into tears.

let me be really upfront here: I am going to miss my husband 100%. my biggest concern though is for my son. he starts asking “wheres Daddy?” as soon as his feet hit the floor after his afternoon nap. we have been telling him for days- weeks even that his daddy is going away for a long time. I tried to tell him tonight that daddy wouldn’t be around tomorrow night; but he was busy pretending to be a peacock. he doesn’t get it when daddy is in the next room. I see the freight train coming straight for him tomorrow and there is nothing I can do to stop it. it.breaks.my.heart. as a mother, I want to keep my baby boy from feeling any heart ache. I know there are times when I have to let him
make his own mistakes and get his little feelings hurt, but ripping away his hero when he is 2 isn’t it.

ugh. this is hard and let me get REAL real for a minute. my biggest fears (yes, I must be insane) are that I can’t be parent enough for the two of them my husband is the best daddy in the world, no contest. I hate that they will spend a very important year of their lives without him. it breaks my heart and scares me. it makes me want to be a better mommy, a more patient mommy, a more organized mommy, you name it. in addition, I worry that I’ll be crippled by sadness. I suspect that won’t happen, but man I don’t want it to. I know there will be days that I have to force myself out of the house despite probably wanting to stress eat an entire pizza instead (just being honest). there are very few things (if any) in this world that I love more than my babies smiles. I want to do something everyday that brings a cheek splitting smile to their face. even if it’s just playing in the backyard. sigh. I hope I can.

and while we are being real, I *may* or may not have called my mom in a soppy wet puddle of tears, sobbing uncontrollably to come out and stay with me tomorrow through Tuesday. have I mentioned how unbelievably grateful I am that she is retired? I don’t know WHAT I would do without my parents being able to come to my rescue. I mean, what says “grown-up” like a pitiful me begging my mom to come save me from my loneliness?

my sweet baby bday girl is laying next to me also oblivious to the day we will have tomorrow and the most awesome 365 that follow. aside from the fact my house looks like a toddler tornado rolled through and I’ll be spending my morning after j leaves cleaning in a frenzy, I’m pretty excited that j and c will get to see ma’am tomorrow afternoon. that’ll give everyone something to looking forward to and to distract from the suckfest that is 10 May.

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