if you don’t have anything nice to say…

then your husband must be in the last leg of his deployment.
I’ve never aimed to be anything but truthful and transparent here on this blog. so, I’m here to tell you for the last (gee, I really don’t know how long) I’ve been PISSED.
not pissed at anyone or anything (although those are unintended tertiary results)… I’m just pissed. Daddy J told me that everyone said when you’re a few months out from redeployment you just get over it and get mad. I kinda laughed it off bc I thought I was handling things so well. And then we hit 2/3s done. shit.just.got.real.
nothing really changed. I’m not facing any particularly hard new challenges with the kids (*knock on wood*). I’m not in a new situation. everything is just sorta the same- I mean c’s hair is looking less and less like rod Stewart after a coke binge- so I know we are growing and moving and time isn’t standing still, but it sure feels like it.
I DREADED this deployment and I made the most of every minute that I had with Daddy J home. I relished in routine. I soaked up every moment with him that I could (minus the days I spent reading 50 shades of grey and then I pretty much didn’t look up from my kindle). I know that I didn’t take those seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks with him for granted while he was here, but there’s lots of things I miss and will continue to miss for 3-ish months.
I never knew just how important to me bedtime rituals were until I did then alone. I never knew just how much I missed my morning hug and kiss as he headed off to work. I never knew how much I missed making him a cup of coffee, or watching him play or eat with the kids, or having someone around who understands all my inside jokes, or someone to snuggle up with and watch a movie, someone to fuss at when I’m feeling fussy (even though I know I shouldn’t) who will still love me unconditionally and just accepts me and my crazy ways, someone to give the eye when i know that they know and they know that I know the kids are acting weird but we can’t laugh, someone to laugh with, someone to wait for at the end of the day. as there is no better sound in the world than hearing the garage door go up or the key in the door.
I could go on all night.
so yeah. I’m mad. I just want him back here. I just want him with me and my absorption of all of our moments to start again. I’m definitely not mad at the army, I’m not mad at him, I’m not mad at anyone. I guess if anything I’m mad at time. I want it to speed up and slow down all the same. I need every second I can get with these wonderful children, but these children also need their daddy.
I’m hopeful that admitting my angst is half (or more. more is cool) of the battle and that I’ll get happy in the same shoes I got mad in.
Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

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