nightmares of the pottyless and exhausted

I will not, won’t not, shall not, am not going to show you pictures of anything here or tell you anything that might put me in jeopardy of seeing my future grandkids regularly. however, I need to know I’m not alone in this.

my children will not potty train. they won’t. I think it’s because they don’t like me. or maybe it’s a conspiracy that wont stop until im in a padded room wearing all white and high-fiving myself behind my back.

I’ve read a lot of “manuals” that say you have to find the right currency for your kids. (call me crazy for thinking that not marinating in filth was incentive enough) so, I used gumballs originally. they were working for a little while with j. I still think he’d be down with using the potty for liquids regularly but solids ain’t happening. not ever. no way.

( sidebar: who put that potty chair here? not my potty chair, not my problem. that’s what I always say. -if you get the reference, I really hope we are friends bc I already know that I love you. )

but recently, I made a sweeping decision that j was not allowed to watch Barney anymore bc I thought brain meltingly annoying purple t-Rex’s were precisely the currency to…ahem… get things moving for him. that didnt work either.

I keep thinking that if he would just make one single solitary Thomas Jefferson in the outhouse just once he’d be hooked. the problem is, he’d rather hide behind a couch than make the effort. (hey! some people like to read the paper, some people go behind couches) we watch him to see when he is inching behind the couch and try to hurry him to the restroom. us grabbing him to take him scares him and i think thats having the opposite effect of the typical “you scared the —- ” situation. well. that’s not helpful.

yesterday I got desperate and decided that since it was about 80 degrees that I’d take the kids outside to run around diaper-less from the waist down. I figured if I actually caught j in the act I could move him to the potty. I don’t think I have to tell you that didn’t work either. in addition, there were several mosquito bites where the sun did, indeed, shine yesterday that I’m feeling pretty guilty about.

please tell me I’m not the only one that’s ever resorted to this? do I need to just check myself into a ward for “exhaustion” right now?

so… I need help. does anybody have any ideas for me? anything that will get my kids to sit and stay and relax and succeed?

my next guess is to get j a Barney DVD, put it where he can see it, but tell him that he can’t have it until after he makes it happen, cap’n.

heeeellllpppp? he won’t go to high school in diapers, right? right?!?
– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

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