play-by-play

I can’t imagine why anyone would really be interested in reading this, but I’ll be glad to have it documented later on in life- so I’ll go with that.

4am- wake up. c and j so graciously got up with me?!? I don’t think it was solidarity. I think it had more to do with the alarm clock that had been going off for 3 hours by this point in the kitchen.  no, i don’t know why there was an alarm clock in the kitchen. and yes, i thought about shooting it at close range with a double barrel shotgun.  but, i don’t have a double barrel shotgun, so that’s that.  then again, aren’t alarms supposed to be automatic shutoff after some allotted amount of time where they realize you are either not around or you’re covering your head with a pillow and powering through?

430- shower. yep, can’t really elaborate much on that. except that I had a real internal (with perhaps some verbal muttering) debate about deodorant. I know all the other times I’ve had surgery deodorant was a no-go. my pre-admit paper didnt say anything about not wearing it, so I just decided to go with a little. I figured worst case scenario I could say I accidentally rubbed up against it. no, I didn’t really work out the details on that.  best to go with a white lie on the spot in situations like that one.

515- leave for surgery center.

530- stand outside the locked doors wondering if we got the times mixed up even though we were sure the lady said 530.

sometime after 530 but before 6, the lady told me to come in and come on back. I got the rest of the way signed in, got my bracelets, and carried on.

the nurse lady came to get me and told me to pee in a cup for a pregnancy test. no use in arguing at this point that my husband has been gone for a year. no use in arguing that I haven’t had anything to drink since 8pm the night before so I hope they only need about 3 drops of piddle to work their unnecessary magic.  i obliged.

after that I went down, I got disrobed from my clothes and robed in that fine gown and sat down on the bed. then, the lady told me I was in the wrong bed so I moved. then, that was really the wrong bed so I moved back. musical gerneys. I didn’t see them change the sheets on bed 2 after my quick 5 minute rest so the guy who came after me to bed 2 better be really glad that I got to wear my underpants under my hospital gown since my surgery was only from the neck up.

here is something about me you probably don’t know and might possibly never guess. *sarcasm*  when I am in an uncomfortable situation I make really really bad jokes. it’s not intentional; it’s just a defense mechanism of some sort. sometimes it works out ok. others, it’s just downright embarrassing how badly it goes. which only makes me more uncomfortable, which means I make more terrible jokes. it’s cyclic really.

yesterday was no exception. when the sweet nurse told me to lay down I said “ohhh! I didn’t know it was leisure hour”. wonka wonka wonka. then I tried to cover it up by muttering something along the lines of “I have 2 kids, they sleep with me, so I haven’t been in the bed alone in a long time. ” she seemed kinda confused and she walked off. i am guessing she probably was going to run a drug panel on the 3 drops of urine I gave her earlier.

when the nurse came back she got me hooked up with the IV and went to fetch my mom while we waited for the anesthesiologist. the nurse anesthetist came clicking around the corner at about 613 in what I originally thought were tap shoes, but turned out to be cowboy boots. which was good because tap shoes might have been a bit much- even for me.

went back to surgery pretty much right on time. the nurse anesthetist was chatting with me on the way back about daddy j and his kids that were in the service. I was already on the juice by then so I don’t remember what I said, but I’m sure it was flattering. oooof course it was.

all I remember in the room is someone strapping me down to the bed and like 2 people walking by. and ZzzzzZzzz. I think twilight sedation is supposed to keep you awake but loopy normally. give twilight sedation to a mom of 2 kids 3 and under and what you’ve got is a kid-free night at the Hilton.

I woke up right as the Dr was stitching me up. I said “are you stitching me?” he said “yes. does it hurt?” and I said “no. I’ve just had 2 csections and I am very familiar with that sensation.” and then I asked to scratch my nose. observations: 1. I talk about my csections a lot. i’m really sorry, guys. 2. all anesthesia makes me itch.

don’t remember anything else until the recovery room where the lady asked me if I wanted something to drink. I asked for water, drank it down immediately, and then threw the cup behind me?!? like a reverse rim shot. then I felt really bad and was all “nuuurrrsssssseee! nurse. I just littered. imsosorry!” and then I complimented a completely random lady on her eyelashes– because that’s not creepy at all.  like really really complimented them.  i was all “ohhhhmmmyyyggggooossshhh!  you’re eyelashes are AHHHH-MAY-ZING! you have GOT to tell me what you use on them because i need to like get in my car right now and go and GEEETTTT it.”  and she said “um, i use l’oreal and i don’t think you need to be driving today.”  touche, random lady with the eyelashes.

while that was going on, the dr went to talk to my mom and told her that everything went great.  the “thing” was about the size of a walnut (unshelled) when it was out in the open.  follow-up in a couple weeks and just keep on being awesome.  ok, he didn’t really say that last part, i was just seeing who is still reading.

next my mom came back to get me after bringing the car around. the nurse took out my IV and off I went. I still don’t have a firm grip on the amount of time that I was in recovery, but I do know that I was not over my anesthesia when I left. I know this because I  remember the “floating” feeling and not much else. they didn’t even give me a wheelchair escort out. I swear to you I was so conscious of putting one foot in front of the other that must have looked all knobby kneed like a newborn fawn.

after getting in the car, we had to drop my medicine off at the pharmacy and I made my mom stop by McDonald’s to get me some coffee. it was burned. how does that happen exactly?  i think the car was stopped but i am not really sure as i flung the door open and poured it out after one sip.

anyway. dropped of the meds. went to Burger King get a second coffee. went home and laid down on the couch. pretty quick after we got home the pharmacy texted that my prescription was ready. so, my mom left me with the kids and went to get my medicine. I gave j the iPad and c used my back as a jungle gym about 1.5 hours after my surgery. excellent.

mom got home and I took 2 of the medicine I was given and headed to bed. I do not know how long I was in my room. I don’t know what I did. all I know is I drilled a lot and dozed off a bunch in like 10 minute chunks of time.

the rest of the day went a lot like that. the day is a total blur. I do know I ate supper that night and had a strange obsession with the tomatoes. I don’t remember what I said but I was really emphatic about how good they were.

I told my mom after supper that I couldn’t bathe or put the kids to bed. I’m sure she thought I was crazy, but I just couldn’t do it. she took them for bath and took j to bed. I rocked c in the chair until she fell asleep. I kept dozing too. and some point my dad came in and sat down to watch the tv with me. I had it on the MTV music awards but kept pausing at random times because I was pressing buttons on the remote every time I dozed off.

I finally packed it in about 930.

I woke up feeling really good and clear except for the nagging headache. I went to take some medicine and for the first time since getting my prescription realized what the Dr gave me. HOLY CRAP! no freaking wonder my entire day was a haze the day before.

I immediately flushed the remainder of those pills. I apologize to any of the fish I inadvertently stoned in the process.

I won’t say what drug it was that I was given bc I don’t want drug dealers raiding my sewage system trying to get any leftovers trapped in the closet bend. (what? I know a little about plumbing). but let me let you know that although a hole in the head is a pretty big deal, we could have slung some motrin800 at it and I’d have been ok from the word go.

not much more to tell than that, I suppose. i am healing well.  my scar looks really good and i feel good.  it still doesn’t feel very good when someone headbutts it… i’m looking at you c.  all in all, i’d say my pain is super manageable and my twin (or cyst or lipoma) has been set free to terrorize the dreams of the pathologist.

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