dare I say it?

I think we’ve turned a corner on potty training. maybe not a sharp, buck 20, two wheeled turn…but probably an 85 year old with cataracts turn into a church parking lot turn. hey, I’ll take what I can get.
j had no accidents (or purposefuls) today. yeehaw! c had one but it’s because she was playing in a laundry hamper and we didn’t get her out and to the potty in time.

I’m not saying the kids are “trained” but they’re a heck of a lot closer to it than they were last time I wrote. we are even venturing out of the house tomorrow. challenge accepted.

In all of this though, I’ve decided that someone needs to write a real book on the subject. Jenny McCarthy took pregnancy and did it justice. I’m waiting for the real deal book on postpartum with a title that reads “it’s ok if you don’t want to stare at your new baby all night and you really want a martini” and definitely one about potty training. title: “trust your instincts and your kids are gonna be real turds- pun definitely intended”

I have read A LOT of books on the subject of potty training. lots. most are 50 plus pages and they repeat themselves over and over and over. I think that a true potty training book could be written in 5 pages or less and that includes the works cited.

here is an excerpt from the imaginary book I’ve been writing in my head all week:

you know how you feel when you’ve been looking forward to your favorite meal at your favorite restaurant? you know…the meal that you get every single time and you can literally taste it? now imagine you go to the restaurant and they give you the old “so sorry. we are all out of your favorite meal. here are our other fine selections. if you like your favorite meal, your love my favorite meal.” but you’re thinking “Hell no, bro. i will not” yeah? well… that’s how your kids feel about crapping anywhere but in their pants. you might think the potty is awesome, but they just want to keep doing what they know.

so what do you do when they tell you they don’t have your favorite meal anymore? you more than likely order something else. are you disappointed? yes. are you sometimes pleasantly surprised? yes. but not before you’ve pouted about it (and you’re an adult). if you were two or three or four would you probably throw your menu to the ground when they told you that you couldn’t have what you wanted? Hell yes you would.

so put yourself in your kids’ shoes. they haven’t had 30 years to practice that sweet thing called self-control. you just told them that 1. they can’t keep doing what they’ve always known, 2. they have to stop what they’re doing (playing) to do it. 3. they now have to hover their naked private parts over a hole where things disappear. um. no thanks.

so, let me be the first to tell you. you’re kids are gonna act like real turds about the whole kit and kaboodle. if you drink, you’d better stock up. if you pray, you’d better set up an alter. if you stress eat, you better hit up a hoho factory. you’re gonna need it. it might last 3 days, it might last 3 weeks. heck, it might even last 3 months.

these little angry nugget geniuses want some control back. they’re gonna try to get it if they have to break every glass item in your house and pluck your sanity from you one teeny tiny strand at a time. and don’t even get me started on all the places you’re gonna find human waste. buy some latex gloves and carry on, soldier.

let me reiterate. if you consider calling a priest at any point in time- that’s normal. totally normal.

you can read all the books that you want on this, but when it comes time to train- just trust your instincts. obviously you gotta cover the basics like actually taking them to the bathroom to go. put them on the big toilet, a small toilet, let them pee on a tree.  you can wait for them to tell you or set a timer and make them or catch them and move them. whatever approach you think your kids will respond best to… do that. it doesn’t matter if someone with a phd in pottyology doesn’t endorse it. do these fools know your kid? no. no they do not. you do. trust that. do you hear me? trust yourself!

are your kids coocoo for coco puffs? then, get the kids some damn coco puffs. do you always tell them no to new stickers, bubbles, gummies, pickles, anime figurines, iPad time, TV time, more Barney? whatever they’re always nagging you for and not getting-buy that/ do that/ give them that. it doesn’t matter if your neighbor swears she trained her 17 foster children using exclusively m & ms. if your kids’ currency isn’t m & ms you’re wasting your energy. dude. I promise. learn your kids’ currency, exploit it, and reap the benefits.

indoor skating fashion show currency?  yeah.  why not?
it’s gonna take some time.  your currency might change.  how much time doesn’t matter.   how many times your currency changes doesn’t matter. what matters is your resolve to carry on.  if your friend is gloating about training their kid in one hour and they never had an accident.  give them a cookie.  preferably peanut butter so it gums them up a bit.  it’s the old saying “every kid is different” blah. blah. blah.  well guess what folks?  they are different.  they’re really different.  personality has a lot to do with training these small people.  maybe the kid that got trained in 1 hour isn’t going to be a contender on american gladiator like your shiny nugget.  some kids are just STRONG WILLED.  they’re gonna crap their pants til they run out of crap.  don’t be alarmed.  clean it up and just remind them that one way or another they.will.not.go.to.college.in.diapers. 

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