that damn toilet

hi. my name is meagan and I’m really shitty (pun intended) at toilet training.

my son is 90% trained. my daughter oscillates between 0 and 50% depending on what kind of mood she is in.

***as I type this I hear “EVERYBODY OUT OF THE TUB AND INTO THE SHOWER! GET INTO THE SHHHHOOOOWWWWEEERRR” which could only mean one thing. we’ve got a floater. c said “I’m having a poopoo bath” what! and not 5 minutes later my son handed daddy j a cup full of his teetee because why not. I really cannot make this stuff up.***

and so that puts us at a 0% for c today. and for j who obviously thought it’s never too early to start practicing for future Army urineanalysis. awesome.

anyway, I’m not writing about my kids’ toilet training today. the above was merely an update to illustrate a point.

I’ve been working on potty training the kids since June. it’s October (late October) and I’m still buying pull-ups, y’all.

so yesterday (and you really have no idea where this story is going even if you think you do– hang with me), c comes into the den shouting “mossy is on the potty!”

Moscow. kitty, 1 each.

life with 2 under 3s is FULL of tattling, so we assumed that was what was going on. all day long it’s “mossy is on the table!” “mossy won’t let me hold him!” blah blah blah.

daddy j just happened to look into the bathroom where he saw what appeared to be our cat peeing in the potty. he said to me “I think Moscow just peed in the toilet because now he is covering his scent” which made me look and I saw him scratching at the toilet seat. suspicious but not enough evidence to confirm allegations that the cat relieved himself in the toilet. I watch enough law & order to know better.

before you ask, no. we didn’t buy the special litter box that you set down in the toilet to try to teach him this. IF he indeed did pee in the toilet, he learned it all on his own.

fast forward to tonight.

we get home from picking up the van and eating supper and I hear peeing coming from the bathroom. I had forgotten all about the cat incident from last night and I come tearing down the hallway ready to praise the Hell out of whoever owned the mini firehose.

you guessed it. it was the cat. if I had not seen it and HEARD it with my own 2 eyes and ears, I would not believe it. he’s looking at me like “what? you’ve never seen a cat pee in a toilet before?”

of all the times I didn’t have my cell phone on me… I ran back to the kitchen to fetch it out of my purse and caught him scratching his scent off the bowl again.

I guess he isn’t afraid of the dark or dangling his cat privates over a hole where things disappear.

so now. people. literally the ONE creature in the house who I did not potty train is potty trained. my cat. a cat. a non-human. the rest of the humans–not so much. I know what this says about me.

I’ve been working with j and c for 4.5 months. MONTHS. and my cat? he just goes in and starts using the potty like that’s what he’s always been doing his whole life.

I think God is trying to tell me something.

if you’ve never seen a cat go in a toilet before, well… then you must lead a normal existence. congratulations. i hope to be normal one day too. but for now I’m just going to go relish in my potty training victory that I had absolutely nothing to do with. winning.


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