distancing day 7 thoughts:

Let’s just go ahead and get this next part out of the way so we are all super clear on where I stand. SHIT BALLS FUCK DAMN! Sorry, Mom. Sorry, Dad.

The following is in no particular or chronological order.

1. I need the gym. My family needs me to have the gym. I have gained nearly 2stone since this summer because I eat my feelings and feelings are tasty. 2stone is a much nicer way of saying “the buttons on my pants should require a background check as they are considered lethal and unpredictable.” We are at the point where I’m going to have to write Jeff Bezos a strongly worded letter informing him that punching bags and dumbbells ARE necessary equipment and deserve priority shipping. In an effort to do something physical today, I downloaded a zombie couch to 5k to do with my kids. We set out to try it but the wind felt like getting stabbed in the face with a thousand tiny ice needles and we made it exactly 1/30th of a mile before we turned back. I burned enough calories to smell an orange. Excellent.

2. The internet reminded me that today is Laurel’s baptismaversary. I love the people and the Church where she was Baptized, but I do wonder sometimes if she wasn’t actually given the once over with just tap water.

3. You might recall I have all the canned food items, but what I failed to stock up on was things that actually make meals. I tried to order instacart today and found that the earliest delivery was NEXT WEDNESDAY at noon. I also tried Walmart grocery pickup and there are no slots there either. Our eating is going to get VERY creative over 5 days. Follow me for recipes like: you have Catalina dressing, canned fried apples, and rice. What’s for dinner? Someone ate a plate of brown sugar today for afternoon snack while I was upstairs, so we’ve established my family’s palate isn’t exactly refined.

4. 7 days is the limit on togetherness before the kids wish everyone else would politely or unpolitely fuck off. Jack said today “what’s two divided by two? … GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!” While I appreciate his stylistic choice and I too was feeeeeeling his message, I still had to correct him. And that, my friends, is why parenting is bullshit. I’ve considered giving them all tickets tomorrow morning. When they yell, tattle, or touch me, they have to turn in a ticket. When they run out of tickets, they have to go live outside. Still marinating on the legality of such a ticket system, but in theory it sounds dreamy.

5. The kids got to go to a virtual assembly with their principal today. They actually then, quite nicely, proceeded to do their work on Google classroom. Next week is Spring Break and the Superintendent invited us to all calm the fuck down for the week. So, calm the fuck down we shall. Google Classroom notifications about broke my phone today. A bunch of them came in after COB (close of business) so they are going to sit unopened until I have the mental capacity to start organizing stuff which might be next week… might be never. Hard to say at this point.

There is a lot of noise and my brain is melting.


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