distancing day 52 thoughts:

1. I’m making a prediction that the middle of June we will be back to normal (at least for a little while) but with masks… perhaps even bedazzled masks if we feel so inclined. I will feel inclined. Before I can go out in public, Clinton and Stacy are gonna have to get resyndicated and come fashion ambush me on my tour from the kitchen to the bathroom. I was going out in public looking tacky before but that was weeks ago. Recently, I cruised straight past ugly to “bless her heart” town and I did not pass go or collect $200 for my sorrows. Today I went to walk the dog in my pajamas with an oversized sweater. Sounds not so bad, right? That is until you realize I didn’t brush my teeth and ate blueberry oatmeal for breakfast- which I was also wearing. There was photographic evidence. If we get released from the coronatine before I’ve shed the 5-minute artisan bread 5, just feed me and tell me I’m pretty for a few months. I’ll get my life together eventually. Probably.

2. Winnie REFUSED to walk today. She REFUSED to walk yesterday really either. I’m going to try taking Clara and Red with me tomorrow to see if that gets her fired up. If not, I think we are dealing with some separation anxiety from her kid cattle that’s both cute and annoying and will require training. She loves to play soccer and we are doing brain games with her to wear her out, but we want this lady tired. A tired puppy is a good puppy. I took her on another sand digging field trip today. She enjoyed that but she’s gonna have to have a bath cause sand is everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I thought for a moment that she had 3 eyelids like a camel because she was just going to town. Not going to lie, I had to google it.

3. There have been many, many, many, many dances on the trampoline stage today. Adam Levine owes me some kind of a reparation for having to listen to Stereo Hearts that many times in a row. I used to think that Barney was bad. I recently found out that the bleeding ears problem has very little actual correlation to the big purple asshole’s voice and far more to do with frequency of barrage. Adam Levine, and probably Barney too, are fine in much smaller doses.

4. For those that have been following my blog for a long time, do you remember when I sleep ordered French mayonnaise? Every box I have opened in the last couple of weeks has provided me the same sense of wonder. What in Heavens name am I doing with my life? The real highlight of my recent purchases was tabs to fix my vertical blinds. Don’t tell me I don’t know how to party. I think moms who are used to casually strolling the aisles of our local big box stores should create an unboxing channel where we just tape our general surprise at whatever bullshit we got delivered. A twin mattress protector? Dog nail trimming scissors? Dr. Bronner’s soap? Yaaaaaasssss.


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