This is feeling a little trite at this point (the 143 day point), but I’m still distancing so I’m still writing.
1. I am a self professed Type I person for IDNGAF. And that’s mostly true, but I’m also severely a morning person. If I don’t have most of my tasks for the day well in hand by 11 at the latest I’m like AHHHHHHH! My chi or some such shit is highest in the morning. By 1, everything takes 3 times as long. By 4pm, if it’s not done, it’s not getting done. After dinner (unless I go on a walk), I’m just a straight up blobfish. I don’t even clean my kitchen til the next morning. Sometimes I don’t even bother to make anyone clean off the table because it’s just too much trouble. One time back in 2013, I made shrimp scampi for dinner and the white wine and lemon combo somehow set off the carbon monoxide detector. It sounds made up but the firefighters assured me that it happens a lot. That was 2 kids ago and I still didn’t have the energy to deal with cleaning up the table after dinner. None of the firefighters asked us why Red Lobster threw up on my kitchen table and I was grateful for that, but they really should have. I should have also been more embarrassed than I was, but this momma clocks OUT the minute I put dinner on the table. No shame.
2. I have to do my cortisol “swab” tonight and tomorrow night. I also need to catch my pee for 24 hours starting about lunchtime tomorrow. I had to brief my kids that while the pee hat looks like a hat that it will most definitely have pee in it tomorrow, so please for the love of all that is holy DO NOT PUT IT ON YOUR HEAD. I even had them repeat it back to me that they should not put it on their head. I still have $5 on someone pouring mom pee all down their face in the next 40 hours. I went ahead and read the directions on the “swab” because my cognitive ability at midnight is not to be trusted. I assumed the “swab” was going to be a long q tip like thing. Nopety nope nope. I will sum up the directions, but I’m supposed to sorta tump this medical grade tampon in my mouth and swish it around for 2 minutes. A. Medical. Grade. Tampon. I’m gagging just thinking about it. I’m sure my midnight mouth tampon rendezvous won’t wake anyone up.
3. My allergies have been on another level this year. Another level. I have been dutifully taking my allergy meds every day, but I’m having to supplement with Benadryl on the reg. Today I was already full up on my Benadryl quota and the kids wanted to play outside. Ok. That’s a little dicey with the snot river, but alright alright alright. Wouldn’t you know it the lawn service that has been ignoring our cul de sac for MONTHS decides today is the day.
There he is in his bright green uniform of pain. At one point, he looks over and my nose is running like a faucet, my eyes are pouring water, I’m sneezing and just shooting allergy juice all over everything. Bless it. He very sweetly stops his weedwhacker and says “you good?” Do I look good? No sir, I look like sloth! Just operate your torture device on a stick and leave me to snorfle in privacy. I still have a headache that I can’t shake 5 hours later. Of all the days, man.
4. We got new neighbors and they’re just the nicest. I have only chatted with them at a distance twice, but today I was in the middle of writing when they stopped by. I was wearing my headphones so they weren’t there and then they just were. I had no warning to think about my appearance and THIS is how I spoke to my brand new neighbors for a solid half hour. THIS:
They make an excellent pen holder when you’re working on the front porch, but c’mon now, Meagan. If I ever went a day without embarrassing myself I wouldn’t know how to act.
drewonpaper.com 