distancing day 144 thoughts:

1. Something in my house stinks. It smells like old somethin’ and I can’t find it. I’m teaching science this year so I should probably clear this up from an evolution standpoint, but I have to be at least part bloodhound. I can smell things that everyone else looks at me like I’ve lost my mind and I will sniff endlessly throughout the house until I find the culprit. I *think* the offending odor was from some spoiled ricotta I got yesterday from Walmart pickup. Instead of putting it in the outside garbage can, I stupidly dumped it down the garbage disposal. It was just stewing in my hot ass kitchen and I think it was warm milk stench that was ruining my whole damn day. I used my little garbage disposal chemical bubbles and I will know for sure whether or not it was that in the morning. Please 8lb baby Jesus let it be that. I cannot spend another day crawling around on the floor like I’m trying to find a wounded dove.

2. The midnight mouth tampon was just as gross as I thought it would be and left me with little cotton fibers stuck to my tongue for hours. Have you tried to sleep while gagging? It’s not great. I have to repeat the tampon situation tonight at midnight, as well. Just fantastic. I don’t believe anyone got actual pee on their heads today from the pee hat situation, but one of them did pick it up and put it on their head to illustrate what *not* to do after I had already used it once. I cleaned it out pretty well with water, I thought, but if her head smells like a urinal tomorrow morning we will know that I didn’t clean it out all that great after all. In other pee going everywhere exciting news, after my workouts today the pee hat stuck to the back of my legs and my life flashed before my eyes. I never quite broke parallel with the hat so my bathroom floor was saved, but talk about butt clincher. Literally. If the pee test is supposed to check my cortisol levels, the endo is gonna call me and tell me to go straight to the nearest ER. Peeing into a pee satchel and then pouring it until a gallon jug while 4 kids run about like its PeeWee’s Playhouse and someone said the word of the day is not my idea of a relaxing activity. Also, I have been doing the pee in a bucket thing for 9 hours at this point and one of the 2 buckets is full. I have 15 hours to go and that math doesn’t add up. I am going to cry a lake if tomorrow I have to schlep my kids to a hospital in the middle of a pandemic to get an additional sterile gallon jug. If I can just sleep in tomorrow and take it easy on the water until after 12, I might be able to pull it off. If I can’t, I am gonna be delivering my pee looking like my parents’ refrigerator. Go ahead and open that country crock container, Mr. Lab Tech. Might be butter, might be pee, might be leftover spaghetti.

3. District 11 made a decision today that all kids (unless there is an extenuating circumstance) will be distancing learning for the first trimester. It also seemed like they were enrolling all of the kids in the district in the district’s e-learning program. Maybe I read that wrong? Our school may not apply to that because it’s a charter. Idk. Bless the teachers and Jesus be a flat tire if that board member from last time acts a fool tomorrow because I would like to socially distanced punch him in the nose. I must have said “what a crazy time this is” at least 60 times today. I feel like a broken record but, damn Gina. What else is there to say?

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