Also known as the day I took 3 of my kids to get shots alone thoughts.
Today is probably just going to be a recap of the traveling circus that is my family. For starters, I made the 9am appointment because I like to hit the doctor’s office before they have a chance to get backed up for the day. Guess 9am is not early enough. The kids and I were 20 minutes early and then we watched quite literally every single person in the office get called back until it was just us and the hand sanitizer left in the room. They finally called us back and I guessed Laurel and Marian’s weights spot on and was one pound off of Clara’s. If fairs ever come back, I will always have gainful employment as one of those weight guessing people. There were 2 medical assistants cranking out the intakes and I thought it was going to be smooth sailing. My girls KNEW they were getting shots because I don’t like surprises and they don’t either. Surprises where needles are involved are the living worst. The girls were briefed on the shots again by the doctor and everyone acted real chill. Are there awards for parenting? There should be, but only cause I was ready to win them all.
And then they actually came in with the needles. Clara went first and God love her, she acted as brave as any little toaster. Marian was up next and she didn’t cry a peep (even exclaimed THAT DIDNT HURT) until she got her pants pulled up and back to her chair. She started wailing. Guys, I’m talking wailing. She was sitting criss cross applesauce backwards in the chair with her face smooshed up making a snot river all over the back of the pleather chair. She started crying so abruptly that Jack got spooked and tried to run out of the appointment room with his flip flops clacking with his little Fred Flinstone flat feet. I got him back in his seat while wrestling Laurel the greased watermelon out of the overalls that my idiot rookie ass put her in on shot day. At this point, Marian is still snotting in tongues, Jack has his hands over his ears with his eyes closed and is rocking back and forth humming Kokomo by The Beach Boys, Clara is yelling in Laurel’s face to JUST RELAAAAAXXXX, and I’m holding her hands as the two medical assistants jab my baby like a junkie. Somehow during this charade Jerry’s office phone got called. Was his family being murdered by one of the original boy bands or were his kids being inoculated? Swipe left on measles, mumps, and rubella all day, playa. There were ZERO minutes to gather our wits before the medical assistants ushered us into the lobby where all the waiting patients were treated to front row seats of the “what you see in your nightmares” show. There was an adorable family of 5 kids in matching shirts sitting right at the exit door. I have never seen the whites of any person’s eyes get that big. It really brought history to life for me because the whites of those kiddos eyes made the midnight ride of Paul Revere hit different. Those poor kids are so scarred.
I promised the kids a trip to dollar tree after shots so that everyone could get prizes. Laurel was still splotchy faced and traumatized in the store. We’d been motoring along and she’d suddenly burst into tears and say “I can’t believe they got me with those really pokey needles!” 1 prize turned into maybe 25 for Laurel and I give not one single fuck. My debit card practically walked into the dollar tree independent of my body because I was still so keyed up I was basically on the roof of my van.
The only other errand that needed to be run after the doctor and dollar tree was to head to Target. I asked the kids today if they would still like first day of school outfits and they thought they might like first day of school pajamas. Seems legit to me. Their pajama choices are a little whacky, but so is all of 2020 so there ya go.
The only other thing I’m even attempting to tackle today is naming the school for contrary children and figured I’d better get their input. Isn’t that like one of the fundamentals of convincing kids to buy-in to something? Worth a shot.